Topics: How Do I Recover?

How Do I Recover?

Abuse and exploitation by a therapist often leave the victim in a state of anguish that compares to little else. Those who are able to take formal steps to hold their abusers accountable, such as filing a civil suit or lodging a formal complaint, may experience an important sense of validation. But these measures are not available to all victims, and even where they exist, the process can be maddeningly slow and expose victims to new insult.

The aftermath of therapy abuse is painful for all victims and in ways that are unique to each. Indeed, one of the most frequent questions we receive at TELL is, "How do I recover?" Sadly, we have no guaranteed method or magical advice. The good news is that most victims do recover, and often emerge from their experience feeling stronger and more authentically themselves than they did before.

Here are some suggestions that may help as you begin this very personal process of healing:

—Treat yourself well. Give yourself plenty of TLC! Be as gentle with yourself as if you were recovering from a serious illness. Get plenty of rest, exercise (or just keep moving), and eat healthfully. Do lovely things for yourself such as buying flowers, planning an outing, or choosing a special food. Honor yourself as someone who deserves to be treated with the greatest kindness.

—Allow yourself to feel. Lean into the pain however it presents itself. Don't fight the need to cry, feel sorry for yourself at times, and hate your abuser for whatever this person represents to you. This may include grief over the loss of what you believed was a loving and caring relationship. Do not judge your experience as "not as bad as" someone else's or not bad enough to justify your response. Do not ask yourself if your feelings are appropriate. Your experience is your own. Your pain is valid, and ambivalence-feeling one way one day and another way the next-is normal. Letting yourself respond to all of this is critical to being able to move forward.

—Guard against negative self-talk. In the aftermath of therapy abuse, many victims blame or admonish themselves for anything they believe they should have done, or could have done, to recognize the abuse, stop it, or respond to it. Often we are harder on ourselves than anyone else is, and it can be tough to silence that negative voice. To change the pattern, begin by simply noticing when you are judging yourself harshly. Pause, and counter that voice with a kind one. Talk to yourself with reassurance and compassion, as a good friend would. Over time, the negative voice should sound more out of place, and it will be easier to push it away.

—Express yourself in writing. Keep a journal of your thoughts and observations during your recovery. Don't hesitate to include negatives-such as memories of your abuse-because getting it all down in black and white may help you view the experience more objectively. Include inspirational content, too. Jot down quotes, or paste in messages from TELL that have been especially helpful. Record random good things that you experience: snippets of conversations, or small things that bring you joy. In low or weak moments, review the journal to see how far you've come or simply to anchor yourself. (Note that if you do pursue a civil, criminal, or licensing board complaint, you should tell your attorney that you have been keeping journals, etc. They may suggest marking such materials "attorney-client work product" to protect them from a possible subpoena.)

—Write a "won't send" letter to your abuser. This common healing exercise works. Creating a document that only you will see gives you a safe space for pouring out your anger. Do not worry about editing your thoughts or softening your voice. Even if you are pursuing some other method of holding your abuser accountable, such as a civil suit or licensing board complaint, this exercise will help because you do not have to worry about how anyone will respond to it. This is for you! Don't hold back! If you are tempted to actually send such a letter, remember that it is nearly impossible to get an abuser to admit what they have done, or to express any genuine apology. Victims who are determined to explain their experience to the abuser usually end up frustrated and reinjured. (Also note the caution about consulting your attorney, in "Express yourself in writing," above.)

—Read and learn. There is a wealth of information on the TELL website written by people who experienced various therapy-related abuses, or who were secondary victims. Even if others' abuse was different from what you experienced, you will see some similarities in terms of scenarios and the behavior of abusers, common steps in grooming, gaslighting and other devaluing techniques, and responses to the threat of exposure. Recognizing your experience in others' stories can be very affirming. These TELL articles are a good starting place: https://www.therapyabuse.org/t2-healing.htm and https://www.therapyabuse.org/t2-letting-go.htm.

You may also find useful resources on websites and podcasts. (Always be attentive to the source of any online information. Look at the credentials of authors or presenters, and learn about the organizations sponsoring the content.) Bookmark these finds, or create a folder for your favorite sites.

—Share. So often, therapy abuse thrives because our abusers work in the dark and manipulate us into maintaining their secrecy. Bringing your story into the light of day is freeing, because it demonstrates that you are no longer under your abuser's control or complicit in their secret (even if only symbolically). Further, it allows you to see your experience as something pathological that happened to you, not something you caused or deserved. It's like the validation you would get from a doctor who finally recognizes your odd symptoms and gives your illness a name. Sharing with TELL can be a first step. When you are ready, sharing with trusted people in your personal circle-say with friends or family-may help dispel remaining shame and bring reassurance that you are "normal" despite having had this dreadful experience.

If you share with others but feel unheard or even judged, tell yourself this is not about your worth but about their naivete. Most people simply aren't aware of the devastating impact of therapy abuse. You may want to educate them or direct them to the TELL site, but do not let their disappointing responses derail your recovery.

—Seek therapy if you wish. Whether to turn to therapy to help you recover from your abuse is a personal decision. Some victims are able to secure a good therapist and value the help they receive. Others are skittish about further therapy, or simply cannot find the right practitioner for them. Be aware that therapy is not necessary for healing and health. If you do choose to seek a therapist, shop carefully, and remember that you should not have to withhold any information about your abuse. A seasoned, competent, and ethical professional should not balk at your story. (Be cautious, however, about revealing your abuser's name to a subsequent therapist to avoid triggering their legal obligation to report. As long as you keep the name to yourself, you will retain control over whether, when, and how to report the abuse.)

—Engage in Positive Activities. Do everything you can to fill your life with good experiences. Nurture friendships, reach out socially, immerse yourself in personal interests, try new things, etc. Taking action, no matter how small, is empowering. Anything you do that gets you out of a bleak mental space will help distract you and create good experiences to displace the bad memories.

—Give it time. As we all know, time does heal. Slowly, good experiences and healthy involvements (with people, work, activities, and self care) will bolster the authentic you and push this damaging period into your past. Eventually, it will feel like a contained event, something that happened to you rather than something that defines you.

Nancy Daley

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