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I don't have to forgive the psychotherapist who, over the six years I met with him, abused me emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. He exploited me and took advantage of my most fragile parts. Then he abandoned me. For a long time I did not need to forgive him because I believed he hadn't done anything wrong. In my state of denial, I believed his words and actions to be reasonable. I believed his abandonment of me was the result of my being too much of some things and not enough of others. The only person I was angry with was myself. For years before and after he left, I was concurrently professionally high-functioning and personally high-risk. Working with a subsequent therapist was painful, terrifying, intense, non-linear, and sporadic. But ultimately I began to move forward. The more I held him responsible, the less I blamed myself. As my narrative shifted, the power and esteem I had given him lessened as my own power increased. I was told, by well-intentioned and caring professionals, numerous books, online articles, and YouTube videos, that forgiving my abuser was essential to my healing and a sign of strength. I was told that forgiving my abuser was for my sake, not his. I was told that forgiving him was my price of freedom from him. Dutifully, I tried on endless off-the-rack styles of forgiveness. None of them fit. Unable to forgive my abuser, I believed I was destined never to heal and that I was doomed to carry him and the abuse inside me for the rest of my life. Then, several months ago, rather than continue to struggle to forgive this man who had caused me so much damage and pain, I imagined what it would feel like to hold him accountable for what he had done to me and to no longer struggle to forgive him. I tried, instead, to forgive myself. It was a perfect fit. It's clear to me now that not forgiving my abuser is not about holding a grudge, seeking revenge, or not letting go. Holding my abuser accountable and responsible is neither an act of bitterness nor an act of aggression. Instead, giving myself permission to hold him accountable has led me to have greater self-respect and self-compassion. I don't wish him ill, but I sure as hell don't wish him well. Putting responsibility where it belongs has released me from him in a way that forgiving him never did and never could. It is essential to put accountability for abuse where it belongs-always and only on the abuser. Period. Despite all that I have read and been told about the value, importance, and necessity of forgiving my abuser, I have found peace, power and freedom in choosing not to do so.
To heal and move past the abuse, the only person I must forgive is myself. In deciding not to forgive my abuser,
and committing to unconditionally forgiving myself, I finally feel empowered and hopeful. I feel free. Carrie Meade To return to the list of Essays, click here. |
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